Disappoinment

Thursday - 19th February 2009

I am so disappointed! It turns out that there is a high probability that he’s married. A friend of mine saw him in a car with kids in it. Either they are his or not, we have to wait and see. However, before this news were told to me I was thinking to myself, would I really want to be involved with him if it turns out that he’s interested in me also? For a few moments, doubt fills my mind. Like any other ‘interest’ I had in the past, a moment of doubt always colored my judgment. I can’t remember what decision I reached moments ago before I received the news. But the fact that I had my doubt might lead to this turn of event. Maybe I am not ready to be with anyone no matter how desperate I want to be with someone. Let pretend that maybe the kids are not his. And he turns out to be single and available; would I still want to pursue him? To be honest, I am scare of the possibilities of it and yet I need to face that fear. Even if it’s not going to work out, I need to at least try. Our first telephone conversation could be a disaster and we decide to stop there and then; at least I give it a shot.

Why is it that lately I’m always attracted to the married kind? Is it because my taste has evolved to the mature type? I really don’t know what to do about it. Is there a cure? Will I be interested in guys that are in my own age group? What are the chances of me finding a mature guy that is single and available? I want my status to change this year, if can before I turn 27 years old. I want to be with somebody that I care and cares about me in return, without much complication.

I really can’t shake the feeling of being disappointed. First it was that guy, sensing already that he’s not available and yet still I put up hope until to the point that he ignored me. I guess he knows about my feeling hence why he was compelled to treat me that way. Only after my ego was bruised by the brush-off did I turn my attention to this other guy. And now it turns out that he’s also not available. It seems my luck with men lately is on the down-side. In order to cheer myself up I said to myself that a better guy is just around the corner for me. All I need to do is to be patient just a little bit longer. Just hold-on a little bit more until we both reach that intersection where our paths cross each other. Could it be? Is he really out there/ is he really for me? Will he be the one? That final one for me that lasted in marriage, kids and living our old days together?